Holy Crap Lions! Steal That Car.

So...yeah.
I'm done with reviewing all the prior major Grand Theft Auto video games, and in the process I've written a smidgeon under 15,000 words of review. There are mere hours on the clock before the release of Grand Theft Auto IV. To say that I am looking forward to it would be an understatement.

Here's the latest review: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

and the others:
Grand Theft Auto
Grand Theft Auto 2
Grand Theft Auto III
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City

I'm going to have a cup of tea and a sit down, now.

Oh, but before I go, the site I review for is having a competition/prize draw with GTA4 as a prize. If you get the answer right you could be picked at random and win!.

I'll stop it with the other-site-whoredom soon, honest.
Or maybe I'll write an actual post. Who knows? It's not like I've not been writing lately....*coughcoughcough*

Ane Letter

Deare Internette,

Thee weather here continuef fyne. I hadde ane sumptuous luncheon with myne owne true wyfe in the sunshyne, and tonight promisses revelrie in a beer garden in the companie of goode friends. I have writtin ane reviewe of the videogame entertainment knowne as 'Grand Theft Auto: Vice City' witch you maye reade iff you are so inclyned, at thiss webbesite.

I hoppe your health maintaines and your pipes be cleare for alle to use.

Cordyal Regards,

Stuart

GTA4's Niko, Bruce Kronenberg, a DJ in GTA2

The IMDB page for GTA4 shows that Niko is played by an actor, Bruce Kronenberg. Among his past work is a credit as 'Voice' for Rockstar's 1999 release, GTA2 (Grand Theft Auto 2).

Radio station K-GBH, voice of the Russian Mafia in GTA2's third level, is broadcast in 'fantastic medium wave' and features a hapless and heavily-accented Russian DJ trying to get a show together despite failing equipment and the aftermath of the previous night's heavy drinking. Listen to a clip:

Does this DJ sound like the voice of Niko? Remember, this was 1999...so he'll be a little older, and I'm guessing the actor (whoever he may be) is really hamming up the accent for comedic effect.

Thoughts?

I'm In England

Hello.

Also my GTA3 review is up at VGB.

I'm off to lunch with my sister now.
Cheerio.

Last Night

At about 3am, the phone rang. Nano woke up and shook himself, I rolled out of bed and stumbled over to the telephone. When I was half way there, Krissa, still in bed, said, "I'll get it, hang on....hello?"

The phone rang again.

"Hello?" said Krissa.

The phone began to ring again so I just picked up the phone. It was my Mum, who had hit redial thinking her mother's number was the last number dialled. She was mortified and apologised profusely. I hung up and looked at Krissa, thinking she must have one of the portable phones.

Neither of the portables were in the room. In her sleep, Krissa had shoved her hand under her pillow, pressed it to the side of her head and talked into it.

It took us about ten minutes to stop laughing and after that I had a hard time getting to sleep.

I'm flying to England this evening for a week with my family.

Done With Two Dimensions

My series of retrospective reviews, looking at the Grand Theft Auto series of games, continues over at videogamesblogger.com with a review and breakdown of Grand Theft Auto 2.

Next up are the big console titles, GTAIII, GTA: Vice City, and GTA: San Andreas.

Super Happy Fun Chat

Krissa: did you hear about the armed standoff?
on a bridge in jersey
he's like surrounded by cops on the bridge,
with a gun,
and a woman and a baby in the car.
Stuart: shit!
Krissa: totes.
Stuart: wow
I hope no one gets hurt.

6:05 PM

Krissa: HOLY SHIT
nano just let off.
the
THE
DOG-FOODIEST-FART EVER
holy CRAP
WOW.
jt's... uhhh
it's like WOW.
Stuart: cor
So glad I'm miles away
Krissa: WOW
i just turned the fan on
and it's still hanging around
SPIKE
!!!!
is on smallville!!!
Stuart: spike?
Krissa: stupid SMALLVILLE.
Stuart: AS?
Krissa: god!! what do i DO!?
it's the smelliest...
god!!
Stuart: open the windows
did he FOLLOW THROUGH?
GOD
Krissa: you think the FAN on HIGH
Stuart: IT's ALL HAPPENING TODAY
GUNMEN
Krissa: what
Stuart: DOG FARTS
THE WORLD'S GONE MAD
Krissa: ahahaha
are you making fun of me?!
why! why won't the fart go away!!!
Stuart: did he poop?
Krissa: even NANO looks like he can smell it
Stuart: a little?
Krissa: EW
and
no.
i just checked.
Stuart: good
and
no idea what's going on then
windows!
Krissa: too lazy!!
Stuart: suffer, then!
:)
Krissa: christ.
Stuart: mmm yummy
tasty dogfart.
Krissa: maybe he's just farting over and over again
tiny little farts
like a MACHINE GUN OF FARTS
Stuart: RATATATATATATATATATATATAT
Krissa: i've just shoved a pillow in my face
and it smells like DAVE'S HEAD
which honestly
is preferable to CASTOR AND POLLUX FARTS
Stuart: "Newman's Own Farts"

6:22 PM

Krissa: it's fading.
very.
slowly.

Labour Of Love

"I suppose it's moved from 'hobby' to 'passion'" sighed Krissa, at the dinner table with Dave and Sam, who were staying with us for the week.
I frowned at her a bit.
"When did you get the impression it was just a hobby?" I said.
She scowled at me.
"So, Dave," I said, "fancy a bit of Guitar Hero?"

After tormenting my delightful lady wife by merely playing them all the time, I am now doing videogame reviews at videogamesblogger.com as well.
This is the site I won Halo 3 from last year.
(On a side note, bungie.net tells me that I've played 798 online matches of Halo 3. Crikey. I thought it got a bit intense there for a while, but I assure you I've slowed down a bit now)

Anyway - reviews! I've done two so far, both retrospectives - The Getaway: Black Monday, and Grand Theft Auto.
The Grand Theft Auto review is the first part of a series of retrospective looks at the GTA series in the lead up to the release of Grand Theft Auto IV on April 29th. These won't be your average reviews - while I will be talking about how good they are (or aren't) I'll also be looking at the way the gameplay, style and environments developed over time, comparing the virtual and real worlds.
Hopefully I'll be reviewing GTAIV too (hint hint, Mr. Editor, sir).

After all the GTA retrospectives I'll be concentrating on more recent releases, but I expect there will be a series of retro-reviews for the Splinter Cell series when the next one comes out, too.

So...yeah! This is why I was compiling the list of all games I've ever owned.

Commute

This morning my subway train and another pulled into the station simultaneously. The doors opened and on the other train across the platform from me a guy was standing with headphones on. He stared at me intensely, completely deadpan, and mouthed ‘LA LA LA LA LA!’ while rocking his head and doing a little dance. The doors closed and the trains carried on their way. I cracked up and everyone in my carriage thought I was crazy.

I love this town to tiny, tiny pieces.

The Back Catalogue

For reasons I'll keep to myself for now, I have just compiled a list of all of the computer and video games I've ever played.
Running through the 1700-strong PlayStation 2 game list, I came away realizing I have at some point owned a staggering 58 of them. After listing the Xbox 360 games, I realized I could also list the few PlayStation 1 and Xbox titles I have because they're backwards compatible, and then it seemed sensible to maybe list the Mac games, then the PC games seemed logical and before I knew it I was staring at a complete list of video and computer games that I've ever (EVER!) owned.

I feel both old and very very immature because looking back at this list makes me feel so gleeful.

So in reverse chronological order, ladies and gentlemen I proudly present; my wasted youth:

Xbox 360:

Assassin's Creed
Bioshock
Blazing Angels: Squadrons of World War II
Call of Duty 2
Call of Duty 3
The Godfather: The Game
Guitar Hero 2
Guitar Hero 3
Halo 3
Saints Row
Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six: Vegas
Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Rogue Agent
Xbox Live Arcade Unplugged (compilation):
-Texas Hold 'Em
-Bejeweled 2
-Wik: Fable of Souls
-Outpost Kaloki X
-Geometry Wars
-Backgammon

PlayStation 2:

Ace Combat 5: The Unsung War
Beyond Good And Evil
BMX XXX (don't judge me! I got it from a friend who didn't want a bunch of games any more)
Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds
Bully
Colin McRae Rally 3
Devil May Cry 2
Driv3r
Driver: Parallel Lines
Enter The Matrix
Futurama
The Getaway
The Getaway: Black Monday
God of War
The Godfather: The Game
Gran Turismo 3: A-Spec
Grand Theft Auto III
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories
Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup
The Italian Job
James Bond 007: Everything or Nothing
James Bond 007: Nightfire
Katamari Damacy
Knockout Kings 2002
Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy
The Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers
Mafia
Max Payne
Max Payne 2: The Fall Of Max Payne
Medal of Honor: Frontline
Medal of Honor: Rising Sun
Midnight Club Street Racing
Midnight Club 2
Midnight Club 3: DUB Edition Remix
Onimusha: Warlords
Prince of Persia: The Sands Of Time
Project Eden
Return To Castle Wolfenstein: Operation Resurrection
The Sims
Spider-Man
SSX
SSX Tricky
SSX 3
Star Wars: Jedi Starfighter
State of Emergency
Tomb Raider: The Angel of Darkness
Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell
Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow
Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory
Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Double Agent
True Crime: Streets of L.A.
True Crime: Streets of New York
We Love Katamari
Wipeout Fusion
XIII (Thirteen)

(TOTAL: 58 games holy freaking crap)

Mac:
Civilization III

Xbox:
Halo 2

PlayStation:
Grand Theft Auto
Grand Theft Auto: London 1969
Grand Theft Auto 2
Dukes of Hazzard: Racing For Home (don't ask)

PC:
Civilization II
Douglas Adams' Starship Titanic
Half-Life
Half-Life Blue Shift
Hidden and Dangerous
Need for Speed: High Stakes
Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri
Quake II
Thief II
Unreal

Now we get seriously retro.

Master System 2:
Alex Kidd in Miracle World
Asterix
Golden Axe
Land of Illusion starring Mickey Mouse
PGA Tour Golf
Prince of Persia
Sonic The Hedgehog
Taz-Mania
Wimbledon 2

Atari 260ST
Er...I'm really confused now. I had a moment about ten minutes ago when I remembered that I had a computer between the Master System and the BBC Acorn...I could have sworn I played Magicland Dizzy and Fantasy World Dizzy on something but I'll be buggered if I can remember what. Bang goes my nostalgia trip...

BBC Micro
System description and chuckle-worthy picture here. I can't believe that around 1988 I sold that on to some young couple who thought it would be good to have a computer...for the sum of ONE HUNDRED ENGLISH POUNDS. It didn't even have a 5 1/2" floppy drive...just the tape deck.
You couldn't so much play games as sit and copy complicated BASIC programmes from a book until you hit >RUN and a tricolored thin-framed butterfly juddered across the screen and you went to get your parents to show them what you did.

I did, however, play Repton on the BBC.

If you've never heard of Repton, and the odds are high, as the BBC Micro it was a pretty much Europe-only computer, and this was the 80s...well. Here's a video of its manifest genius. These are the earlier levels where the puzzles to get the diamonds are quite easy (and the player obviously knows all the tricks) but the later levels were fiendish.

That music is like primary school coming back to haunt me.
Marvellous.

---

After all that, after all those hours playing, all those finished stories, all the completed games...nothing stands out as an achievement more than my father's epic (and successful) quest to complete Sonic The Hedgehog in one sitting WITHOUT LOSING A LIFE.
He was unemployed at the time, and it was during the UK recession of the early 90s. He took to the challenge in an almost scary way. Looking back I know he'd set himself this crazy goal so that he could say, "If I can do this..."
And he did it.
I remember coming home from school to find him sitting in the kitchen with this enormous grin on his face.
I was thrilled and told pretty much everyone at school how great my Dad was.
I've only ever seen him that dedicated two other times...when he was going for his Karate Black Belt, and when he was working on his degree.

Anyway.
There you go.

New York Giants Victory Parade

This morning the streets outside my office were crammed, and they'd closed the main building door.

This is why:

The volume on that is a bit high. Might want to turn it down a bit.

I also put together a photoset on flickr(click the photo for the set):

The atmosphere around here is amazing. The side streets were packed with sanitation department vehicles waiting to start the cleanup, and everyone was clambering up on top of them to get a better view. People threw paper - office paper, toilet paper, shredded paper - from the windows of the skyscrapers along the route.

That was very....very loud.

From chat with Stan and Joe:

me: There's people just throwing paper out of their windows
it's not a tickertape parade
it's an Office Supplies Parade
Stan: someone should chuck a stapler at david tyree
see if he catches it
joe: with his hat

Impressions of Xbox Live: Do You Wanna Get Fried With That?

Other Xbox Live posts here and here:

I've gotten dangerously into Halo 3. It's an ENORMOUS amount of fun.
It can be involving, crushing, frustrating and joy-inducing.
Playing with sane strangers is okay, and playing with people you know or get to know is a good laugh.
I have a group of friends and coworkers I've played with a lot.

Playing team games without friends online is a lucky dip. You can get insane, singing, pot-smoking fools, or you can get pleasantly witty, serious players. If I play a few games in a row there's a meta-game I play in which I try to accrue a team of sane people. Sometimes this can take a while.

Last night I was playing teams alone. I think most of my other Halo 3 playing friends were either working or sleeping off a heavy night of gaming the day before. I played and won a game with some good, sane-sounding players. They might have been a bit young, but hey! If they play well that's to the advantage. I partied up with them. They knew each other from school, it seemed.

There was a between-game discussion about an English teacher's stash of Fruit Loops, and then one player asked us to wait to start another game while he went and got some Fruit Loops from the kitchen. I waited.

In the middle of the next match, one of them was on a score of 6 for a very long time, and he wasn't responding on voice chat. Sometimes players get disconnected, so I asked the other one, "Is your friend okay, is he lagging out or something?" and he said, "Nah, I bet he's gone to get more Fruit Loops."

I was laughing, but only half-laughing because I take the Halo ranking system far too seriously and if we had one player off getting fruit loops we were in danger of losing. It was beyond belief to me that someone would get up in the middle of a frantic game of Halo where other people were relying on him, and walk to the kitchen to grab some sweets. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.
"No way, come on, maybe he's just having a rough time with his connection."

We played for a bit longer. After about four minutes, the other kid's voice came back on the headset:

"If I get more than 10 kills in this game, I'll be impressed."

"Why?"

"I just went and ate a cheeseburger."

Apparently I take this game far too seriously.