Welcome to the coffee shop of your very dreams.
Please note the shiny chrome rim of the bar, the large baskets of freshly baked muffins on the tables, the large sofas and slowly spinning ceiling fans. For those who have just come in out of the cold there is plenty of room around the fireplace. And just for the hell of it, I'll pop this Santa hat on.
Come in, come in...
Right. I'd best get started. First up let me just run through a pot of regular filter coffee on the percolator. I'll just put that to one side for a moment. I'll be putting it through again in a minute...yep - that's for you, Shiv and Lyle. Patience...
Okay. Now this fearsome explosion of black plastic and chrome must be the main coffee machine. It exists purely for this morning's session, so you'll have to excuse me because I've not used it before. There's a few things that are worrying me...is...is it me or is this bit actually a bin?
This bit looks a lot like those jugs you get in Ancient Greek museums...and why is there a ferret in that jar? It looks a bit bulemic. The tubes from there seem to lead down to a mug with 'Gordon' written on it.
Ye-es. There is a hopper full of sugar, one of those bizarre orange spinny cup squishers up there near the ceiling, a slot marked 'Insert Chocolate Here', whoops, best do that first then...one bar of Dairy Milk...there we go, and there's a distinct mooing sound coming from the kitchen.
Right, if someone could please shut the door, it's getting a bit chilly in here. I'll just run this pot of coffee through the filter again...and I'll put twice the regular amount of grind in there to boot.
Ah, Greenhamster! Pass those mince pies around, there's a good chap - Gordon asked for one specifically. I'm sure he'll be thrilled that they've got Port in...nicely done sir.
Now, this contraption's controls are...oh.
There's only one button. Hmmm.
What the hell.
HELP YOURSELF TO MUFFINS, MINCE PIES, AND DIGESTIVES, ROBIN THEY'RE OVER THERE...SORRY IT IS A BIT LOUD, ISN'T IT? YOU KNOW I'VE ONLY JUST NOTICED THAT MASSIVE WHISTLE AT THE TOP! REMINDS ME OF THAT CARTOON THING...OH, WHAT WAS IT?
Oh, Bertha, yes. Right!
That's one latte for Karen, without whom none of this would have been possible, feel free to sink into the hugely comfy sofa, my dear, another for Robin, and this spicy smelling customer must be for Greenhamster, already with a dusting of cinnamon. That's the weak and feeble coffees out of the way...
After a third and final routing through the machine, there's a large...blob of coffee solids for Shivery and Lyle...Erm, I'll leave that to be divided between the two of you. I think there might be a spoon dissolving in there somewhere...sorry.
This urn-ful of coffee...hmm. Smells walnutty. That'll be for Wild, who...yep. Tuck into those muffins. Good man.
This beautiful creation here that smells like all the Tia Maria and orange cocktails I've ever dreamt of is for Pix, and S has this wonderfully fragrant hot chocolate, sprinkles and all, and has very kindly brought some chocolate biscuits...man we're all gonna be huge.
Milk! Someone order a milk? Er, Vanilla? That'll be for the graceful Green Fairy, who I can see is already making inroads into the marshmallows. Oh, and another for Karen. Indulge away.
Aye-oop it's another milky one for Dave, who has opted for the simple yet tasty hot milk with nutmeg...mmm. There's some brown sugar as well if you care for some.
There's still some kind of noise coming from the machine...a slow dripping...hah! That bin is slowly filling with espresso. It'll be ready by about three o'clock, Porny Boy. Sorry about that - I'm sure I can scoop some out for you though. There.
Oh, and there's a Weasel Coffee for Gordon.
Old Uni Buddy Alek dropped by for a spot of gossip, so I'll sling him his favourite drink, which was a pint of spirits, if I recall correctly, and pair him up with Karen, who fancied a chat...
Me? I'll just have water thanks. Owning my own coffee shop has proved to be too much of a temptation, and I've over-indulged.
There are, of course, a few pots of various hot drinks on the hotplate for anyone who cares to drop by during the course of the afternoon...and of course if anyone wants top ups. The muffins are held in bottomless bowls, so don't feel bad about having a second one.
Mr. D wants an espresso, and an espresso he shall have.
This is the ultimate coffee shop. There is nothing that can't be done within these walls.
However, I must have completely missed Krissa asleep in the corner. You know, girly girl, you're going to have to watch those late night coffee shop sessions. I didn't notice you when I locked up last night, either.Next time, don't wear the same colour as your sofa of choice. Here. At the risk of becoming a paraplegic, albeit a loved one, have an intensely sugary café au lait.
In the spirit of the continuing magic of this emporium, and of course the fact that we are now within English licensing hours, Spengy may have a beer, or a beer-flavoured coffee. Whichever.
And of course, a mocha for Mark, and a complimentary hot chocolate as well, just for the hell of it.