Disbelief.
I don't like it.
I have always had levels of disbelief myself - mostly directed towards areas of religion or philosophy that require you to have what from my perspective appears to be unjustified faith, but I have always tried to couple that with a healthy level of acceptance of both the right to hold those views and my own uncertainty on the matters, as well as a willingness to discuss things.
Which takes a lot more work than saying, 'This is how it is. End of story.'.
As with most challenges, I find people with immovable opinions on subjects I have an open mind on very, very tempting. If they have an immovable opinion, not just on religion, but any issue under the sun, that gives you a great advantage in terms of manoeuvrability, and of course, in the great debate which seeks not to prove or disprove but merely to shake foundations, that's a nice little advantage.
You can't contradict someone with an immovable opinion. It is pointless. If an opinion is a rock, then another rock in another place will not alter it without the need to resort to violence, and a simple matter of which rock is hardest - which isn't my way. You can persuade, and show, and reason, and maybe, this fluid approach can work. Opening minds shakes things up, but...would any one of us in the place of an hypothetical Adam and Eve, deny ourselves the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge?
Anyway - disbelief.
So I'm doing something pretty unusual. I'm upping these Hatfield-based sticks and downing them again in Astoria, NY, based on a love which took all of nine days to persuade me to do it. And I know this isn't something people do every day. I know that from the outside, this might seem crazy, impetuous, naive.
And?
That's an opinion, and I, the person in control of this particular aspect of my life, hold another one.
And because I work so hard to keep an open mind on as much of this bloody complicated world as possible, I really hate it when people tell me I am making a mistake.
How the fuck do they know?
What do they know about it, about me, about us?
Nothing.
It's all well and good for them to be cynical, cautious, wary, reserved. That's a choice. But it doesn't mean that because I'm not, that I am wrong.
They may tell me that in years to come, I too, will be that cynical, I too will be conservative with my actions and the chances that I take.
That's as may be, although I would like to think differently, and even so, those future Stuarts have their own lives to lead. This time is mine. And they will know, they will remember and understand the situation that got them where they are.
Which is more than can be said for other people outside of the situation, now.
I accept that it is hard to reconcile the difference in mindset needed to live between the complex things in life and the simple things in life, but hell, I'm open minded on that too. I accept that for those who have it, faith is a simple thing. It stands apart. It can be an immovable opinion, it can be a religious belief, or it can be the knowledge that love like this is rare, love like this is precious, and love like this is worth taking every goddamn chance the world can throw at you ten times over.
The thing is, I don't think that any faith should be afraid to reason. I don't feel the need to resort to a 'Well I'm doing it so there' mentality, just as my hackles rise to 'This is how it is, end of story'.
But when I find myself in the same position, with a fluid argument, depth of reason and compassion and human emotion and a faith I am not afraid to declare, defending myself from people who attack this with their own stone immovable, unlistening, uncaring and dead points of view, I find disbelief very unpalatable indeed.
I suppose I will just have to accept it.
Throw your stones in the water.
See what difference it makes.
Ack, that sounds almost religious.
The reason that most people think you are making a mistake is
1) Most people have issues with meeting people on the internet. For most people this isn't normal. (I have a blog essay pending on this) Hence you are making a mistake
2) Most people (myself included) have difficulty with the concept of meeting someone who it's worth make changes that big for, because we haven't had that experience or feeling or motivation ourselves. It is difficult to impossible to understand someone else's motivation when you haven't been in that position. This inability to reconcile leads means people think you are making a mistake
3) Many people who do what you are doing are doing it for the wrong reasons. many people who do what you are doing are making mistakes. Many people who do what you are doing fail. Hence you are making a mistake
Please note, I'm just trying to explain peoples disbelief. I personally think "faint heart never fucked a pig". i.e. fuck it what do you have to loose, and you have everything to gain, so go for it. Best of luck and if(when) things work out you can phone everyone who gave you shit and say "na na na na na".
I believe Obi Won. Go forth and conquer new york. The force is strong in you.
If it was me in your situation, I'd probably be very wary, cautious, reserved. But then I'm generally a very wary, cautious, reserved kinda guy.
But I love the fact that you're willing to just go for it. That rocks right on. If it all goes wrong, who gives a flying one. Chalk it down to experience. Have a good one.
What Adrian said (except "faint heart never fucked a pig" - not so sure about that bit ;).
One of my favourite quotes is by Erica Jong, from her book "How to save your own life":
"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it...It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."
wow, jez, that's for that quote. you're my new favourite person of the minute. well said, erica. well fucking said.
Oops, sorry;
I just hefted a huge stone into the water, and now it's all jumped out of the lake.
Fortunately, though, it has all landed in New York, where it'll have a jolly good time, and no longer have to expend any energy dealing with people thinking it's gone for the wrong reasons.
So, actually, now it's better off. Yay me and my mighty rock.
People telling you you're making a mistake don't know what they're talking about, you can be sure of that. Because if they did have experience of a similar situation, and it hadn't worked out, then they'd know how great your certainty was that you were right - and would therefore recognise the pointlessness of saying anything.
The people who simply fear for you, mean well. People who don't actually know you should have more manners.
Don't take *any* advice people give you personally, that's my, er, suggestion.
*sounds the HUGE MISTAKE klaxon*
STUART - DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!
DON'T EAT THE PASTRAMI ROLL!!!!!
Oh hang on. Wrong situation.
Do it? Of course you're going to do it. Which is good - be it for love or other undetermined variable.
Hatfield vs New York?
The question is, why on Earth did you need to fall in love to see that Hatfield is rubbish anyway ;-)
I'm getting married at 23. That's pretty scary for some people to accept, without the whole 'moving to the other side of the world after knowing a girl for 9 days' hoopla. A few of my 'friends' tried to talk me out of it. A few talked to me *about* it. I still talk to the second bunch of friends.
There will always be the people who say you're being dumb, the rocks. However, and I hope I would fall under this category, there are those that will ask questions to ascertain you are happy and ready. Anyone making a decision of this sort (love/moving related - and I hesitate to use the word magnitude or similar because its not going to the moon) needs to know that emotionally and in practical terms, they have covered their bases and have thought through everything they need to do. So do their friends, so they don't think 'I think Stu is making an awful mistake and I didn't help'.
So don't shoot those guys in mistake for the rocks. We are more like pebbles. Er, skim us into the water :)
Yeah! What everyone else said! Go forth and conquer, my young Jedi.
Hey, even if it doesn't work out (which it will.. not trying to be doubtful or anything here, honest), you may get a better career or something out of it and decide to stay in ny anyway. if my history teacher hadn't gone off to australia, to be with a girl, i wouldn't have a great teacher, as he deciced to while his time away by taking a teaching course over there. i say go for it, fuck the rest of them, they don't know what they're on about.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Hey this is great. I look away for a few weeks and come back to find that you've created an inspirational future for yourself, and are living into it. Doesn't life just feel fantastic when you're doing that?
What other people might say about what you're doing is just that - it's what they say. Maybe it's what they always say. It has nothing to do with you and what you're doing, and everything to do with them and what they're doing (or not doing).
Most people sit in their lives thinking in terms of having, then doing, then being. In other words:
"If I had (a better job, a loving relationship, more money, more time), then I'd be able to do (more interesting work, more socialising, some travelling, creative writing),and then I'd be (inspired, more loving, fulfilled, more creative).
You're turning all this on its head. You're being daring, passionate and committed to your life, and this has you doing exciting things like moving across the world, starting a new relationship, learning a new culture. From all this you will have a life that you love, given by what is possible for you to do from now, rather than dictated by what you (and doubters around you) think about what has happened in the past.
Go Stuart!
Woah.
Plig, have you considered moving into life coaching at all?
But what will I do without Stuart's guide to Hatfield?
I might go there, some day...