INTRO: Hello and welcome to The Fame Drain, where The Show interviews the very best celebrities of yesteryear, who are now blatantly on the decline and gagging for any kind of press exposure they can lay their hands on. Today, in the studio with us is a fallen star of children’s entertainment. From stage and screen, he’s been there; done that, got the extremely small t-shirt and now they don’t want him back. We’ve got him though…please welcome to the studio…SOOTY!
ANNABELLE: Sooty, welcome to The Fame Drain! Now; you’re a huge name in showbiz, everyone’s heard of you, but you’ve been out of the spotlight for years. Tell us, why haven’t we heard from you?
[PAUSE]
ANNABELLE: What’s that Sooty? You were robbed blind by that guy with the beard and doing all that work with his hand up your arse on a minimum wage has soured the showbiz scene for you? Oh dear, poor Sooty.
ALL: Aaaaaaaah.
STUART: If it’s ok, I’d just like to ask a couple of personal questions. Your break up with Denise van Outen was widely publicised in the press. What hasn’t been so well reported was that you were an incurable alcoholic during your television years and Denise was a long-suffering and patient partner. Is it true that the break-up was the final factor in your checking into rehab at The Priory recently?
[PAUSE]
STUART: What’s that Sooty? Your life was a dark and dreary trudge of seemingly identical days where nothing really mattered and your body ached in a constant agony of searing pain? Aaaah. He’s cute, isn’t he, Adam?
ADAM: We’re told that you have a new album out soon, and you’re on tour as part of your UK comeback. The album features some collaborations with Tom Jones, Destiny’s Child and All Saints. What was it like working with some of the most popular artists of today? We’ve heard a showbiz rumour that romance may be blossoming between you and Natalie Appleton’s trousers?
[pause]
ADAM: What’s that Sooty? The rumours are completely unfounded and we’ll be hearing from your lawyers? Today’s artists are all a bunch of frauds and nothing compared to you when you were in your prime? Well, it’s been a great pleasure having you on The Show, and if you’ll just sign these copies of your album for us to give away…(quick pause) Thanks, and if you wouldn’t mind, Ben would like to just live out a childhood fantasy…
[SFX OF CROWD SCREAMS INTO THE PUNCH IN OF THE POOR DANCE SELECTOR]
I work with an Annabelle - and now I've got a warped image of her interviewing Sooty.
Its a nice sight. Well done.