Don Ye Now

Kevin Kringle shops at a certain gadget store to try and outdo his famous brother, gangs of marauding carol singing models in brightly coloured woollens are stalking the land passing on messages on the behalf of a certain chain store, if you drink a big creamy coffee from a certain store an enormous light bulb is screwed into your brain and makes you happy, and if all the other TV ads are to be believed as well, most people in the US give cars as christmas presents.

It's Christmas in New York, people. Christmas in New York.
I've seen the giant tree (yes, you've guessed it - it's pretty big) at Rockefeller Plaza, seen a lit wreath as large as a restaurant door, and the stunning musical and animated window displays at Bloomingdales; this year on a 'Phantom of the Opera' theme.

But what I want to attract your attention to is something on a slightly different scale. In most civilised countries you can be assured that the better style and class of something will be of a reasonable quality - of good taste, even. If you go to a boutique or even a reputable high street store in search of your Christmas decorations, then you are likely to be presented with a reasonable selection; of prices, styles, colours, sorts...and, being an Autoblography reader you will no doubt walk away with the pick of the bunch, a collection of twinkling supernovae to hang from the tree, haute couture stockings to wedge over the fireplace, and tinsel which carries an epilepsy warning.

But that's just boring. It is my own considered opinion that you can tell more about a country and a place by the budget decorations - by what people are prepared to try and sell you, and what people are prepared to buy, if it means they can save money.

So I bring you, noble and distinguished reader, to the corner of an unnamed store in New York, where we will take a bit of a browse through the ornaments on sale...

Dairy Diet Santa
It would appear that this Santa ain't all that well. Proof that a glass of milk in every house in every country around the world can seriously affect your health. A condition first identified by Dr. E. Izzard (UK), Calcium Overdose is a sad thing to behold. Despite the considerable advantages to begin with - superb bone strength, award-winning teeth, beautiful cuticles - calcium overdose sadly leads to excessive tooth growth, spiky, unwieldy fingers and, in the terminal stages, social exclusion and tireless pursuit by teams of elite CIA dentists.

A Fairy for...the Lower Branches
Are you more than a little fond of Sugared Plums? Are you finding your daily flit from house to house and tree to tree a real grind? Do you find your energy reserves depleted before the end of your wish-granting day? Have you considered eating a little less? A sphere may be an aerodynamically efficient shape, but man, getting one off the ground when it's made of pure, unadulterated, 100% fairy is another matter entirely. And the botox isn't helping any.

Four Piece Combo Bucket
You've heard of Squirrel Nut Zippers. You've sung along to the hits of Naked Lady Bears. Tonight, yours for a mere $20 apiece, I give you...COPPER JAZZ CHICKENS! They're not musical, they don't move...they just. look. cool. Well - coppery. And like foot-high chickens. Isn't that enough in today's cruel, capitalistic world? Buy them now, please, and enrich your life immediately to the tune....no, not musical - I said already...of four copper cockerels, primed and ready to change the feel of any room in your house!

The Sherry Looks A Little Low This Morning
Need an extra drinking buddy this Christmas? Don't worry. This little chap has it already covered. At night when you're asleep and you think the rest of your family is too, your children will incur major therapy bills in later life by tiptoeing into the living room and witnessing the simple, joyful Christmas miracle of this guy swearing his way down through eight or nine prickly branches of your tree, heaving himself into your drinks stash, helping himself to some scotch, and climbing back up the tree to do indecent things to the fairy.

All Hail Your Stripey Christmas Majesty

You have to admit, there's a certain restriction on Christmas animals. There's reindeer with a variety of nose accessories, but how many of them can you shift in a pre-christmas sales drive, when you sold a load of them last year? There's robins and snowmen and...well...the nativity animals...camels...um. Oh! And all the animals from the Twelve Days of Christmas song. Turtle doves, a partridge...well. They're all a bit plain, aren't they? A bit staid?
So it's not surprising that someone somewhere decided that the time had come and that some diversity was clearly called for. What is surprising is that in that bold sweep they decided to call for young King Quadraped here. It's not just that they decided that it should be a regal zebra, but that it was clearly a zebra of the Elizabethan era and hence needed a large pouffy ruff around its neck. This is pretty disturbing stuff. If zebras were already up to ruffs and plastic jewels at the time of the birth of baby Jesus, then they're obviously much more advanced than we are. Fear for your lives. Your LIVES.