So I take myself too seriously.
I poke fun at myself, I take the piss out of myself, but a lot of the time I still take myself too seriously. I have delusions of grandeur, I aim too high without working in proportion, I demonise some of my less savoury character traits so that I lead myself into an almost religious self-denial.
You see, back in Hatfield, as some readers of stamina will recall, I had a 9-5 job which did not entail a huge amount of work outside of those hours, and, once the dynamics of office life had been mastered, demanded very little cerebral effort or elbow grease inside those hours. This wasn't a reflection of the people I worked with, or even for, merely the task in hand and the politics (literally - politics) involved, which I shan't go into.
So it has to be said, as a young man of newfound means, I drank quite heavily and I played a considerable number of video games, a lot of the time to the exclusion of pretty much everything else.
Both of these things can be looked upon in today's society as potentially addictive. I, of course, living alone, had no arbiter but myself to judge my behaviour, and whether I was an addict or not was not something I could rationally judge. Besides, I wanted to keep doing both things.
Periodically I would stop having a drink at home after work, but not for long. The evenings were far too long without a glass or two of wine with my meal, and my attention span was a lot shorter. Besides, I could afford it, and I wanted to, so even if I thought that I was being excessive, my will won through in the end.
And I can't tell you the range of feeling that this time brought. I would look forward to a clear weekend, where I could play games, cook myself meals, read in the garden, play games, drink lots of coffee and round the day off playing games and drinking wine. During those weekends I would alternate through being bored, frustrated, annoyed with myself for wasting time, and very, very happy after, say, a bottle of wine and a pretty sunset and a modicum of mindless violence on the games console.
In emigrating and starting married life everything changed. All of a sudden I wanted to be the best I could be for Krissa, to be the best husband and person and man and friend. Clean-shaven, lantern-jawed, funny, serious, hard-working, clean-cut, amibtious, successful, healthy, fit, everything.
In other arenas of my life I have seen halves of couples become lonely or unhappy because of what might be passions, or even addictions, in their partners. I mean, when you're married or in a relationship, mucking about on the computer can be an exclusive activity. As can be video games, working late five nights a week, morris dancing societies, anything.
Setting out on married life, I didn't want to be one of those people. I didn't want to consistently spend time away from Krissa because of something I did, I didn't want her to feel unimportant, or second-best, or that I didn't want to be with her. So when Krissa suggested, after playing racing games at Biscuit's house, that we get a PS2, I had mixed feelings. I knew that the potential to become one of those blinkered and solitary partners was there, and I felt very guilty about that, because, and I could go on here, Krissa is a one-woman phenomenon and I'm crazy about her. Even the potential for becoming an insensitive and distant partner had me tied up in knots.
Which is the bit that has lead me to the conclusion that I take myself too seriously.
That I should chill the fuck out.
There are a lot of things that trump the best feelings I've ever gotten out of playing video games, and simply walking to the grocery store for some milk with my wife is one of them...as is spending time with her in any way shape or form. And I can't see that changing...ever.
The first few nights after we bought the console, she and I played racing games against each other, or just mucked about in the faux-cities, exploring with cars and chasing each other and having a laugh.
And now a couple of weeks later it's come to the point where I'd like to buy a game I know is big. That will be fun. That I'll enjoy, and which could, potentially, take a very long time to play. So I got scared again, until I realised that it is entirely within my power to not let that get within squinting distance of coming between Krissa and I, and that means that I needn't panic or feel guilty or worry.
So tonight, or tomorrow night, I'm going to buy Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, and I'm already looking forward to that feeling of starting a good game, watching the intros, the graphics, exploring...and this time, sharing the pleasure it gives inside of the expanding boundaries of a good life together. That'll mean in moderation, and that's good. It might mean a night here and there of me playing when she's out with friends, which is also good. But at no point will playing that game mean more than or come above spending time with her.
If she wants to play, and she almost certainly will do, we'll muck about together.
It'll be fun.
oh lovely post, mate
The beauty of shopping for household stuff, the sheer joy of roaming around in a supermarket, and the discovery of something like GTA:San Andreas.
Godd stuff, all!
(or should I say, "good shit, homie!")
ps- darn, I miss my PS2
I did have a friend who called the PS2 the boyfriend killer.
Myself, I'd rather code. I'm such a geek.
I think girls find that even more irritating.
It's one thing for them to see you're absorbed by a video game; Quite another to see you absorbed by a few lines text.
Yeah I have been told that by my non single mates too.
However being a single geek does leave you ill prepared to know these things.
Enjoy GTA Stuart! I bought my fiance the game for his birthday and he found it very engrossing indeed. I've noticed with him that he'll get very interested in a big game like that, play it fairly intensely for a few weeks, and then stop altogether for sometimes even months before he finds another game that interests him. I can't remember the last time he played, and so I'm understanding during the times when he is engrossed.
Very sweet of you to consider Krissa's feelings on the matter, though!
my British husband and I have been married for 2.5 years. when he immigrated, he left much behind, including his beloved PS2. I finally broke down last summer, and got him a new one. now we play Winning Eleven (Pro Evolution Soccer) together several times a week (football being a mutual passion), and have our own individual PS2 addictions.
I'm sure you'll find ways to enjoy GTA together; staying up late playing video games together is one of the joys of married life.
Man, I miss having a PS2 soley for GTA. Have fun with San Andreas.
And don't worry about getting sucked in. If I know Krissa at all, if you get too involved, she'll let you know right away. Possibly with something heavy.
Being a newlywed myself (one year in Aug.), and having a husband who is a video game junkie, I was touched by your concern for your wife.
I was never into console games until my hubby turned me on to the joys of PS2. He made it a point to get adventure type games (my favorite) that were two or more players so we could play together. The Balders Gate series and Champions of Norrath have provided us with hours of fun playing together.
We also play GTA- Vice City and San Andreas together. I have a knack for spotting things, but I detest actually driving the cars around, so I get to help him find special jumps and hidden packages. It makes for a fun Saturday afternoon of gaming for the both of us.
You and Petit H should try it. We discuss a lot of our more pressing life decisions over a race or good orc battle.
completely unrelated to the post i know but....
The U.S. Senate has passed the $82 billion Iraq Supplemental Spending Bill yesterday (approved by the House last week) regarding emergency funding to continue to support the soldiers in Iraq.
In typical US governement style, this "guaranteed to pass" bill included a COMPLETELY UNRELATED "rider".. which wasn't as guaranteed to pass... the Real ID act driver's license reform... a national ID card scheme.
I can't beleive they can still get away with slipping unrelated bills in together as riders and amendments just to get dodgy stuff to pass!!
so, well done senate... you have just voted for a federal database conatining info on everyone in all 50 states and ID cards that will probably contain RFIC (Radio Frequency Identification Chips) enabling everyone to be tracked, whereever they go, whatever they buy. The potential for abuse is enormous!!
It is not just going to replace the driving license, it will be required for any kind of travel and most day to day transactions as well as other stuff...
The National Governors Association has indicated at the possibility of a lawsuit to challenge the constitutionality of the Real ID provisions.
anyway.. like I said, unrelated to Stuart's post.. sorry.. but I thought it was an interesting and important topic to start a discussion on... especially seeing as it has all been rushed through the senate so secretly and underhanded..
Stuart, any chance of a post of it's own about this?
Well, Adam. I confess I have let my studies of Constitutional Law slide a little in recent years.
Right, well. AS far as I know, RFID technology is not yet at the point where you can track someone's movements around a city or country. The tag needs to be passed through a high-intensity short-range field, which then causes the tag, through the inductive generation qualities of a small antenna/coil in the tag, to broadcast a weak identifying signal back. A good practical application of this technology would be in supermarkets, where you could pass a shopping trolley full of tagged items through an ID Gate and it would be able to list and bill you for every item.
As I said, I'm not particularly up to speed on politics, but today I am having lunch with Jason (of the comment above) who is.
And who also told me about the RFID thing, before you start thinking that I know stuff.
It would almost certainly be better coming from him. If he wants, that is.
Oh, and thanks to everyone for your gaming obsession-related comments.
:-)
I've been allowing my gaming obsession to weaken lately. I should really spend more time with the PS2. At the point at which you get past the Molotov Cocktail mission on GTA:SA I'll be playing catch-up.
Jason HAHAHAHAHAHAH you know me too well.