Got A.D.D.? Join. Navy.

Since moving to the US I've managed to get my name out there in all the cool places - credit card company databases, junk mail lists, and the United States Government Resident Alien list or whatever it is they call it.
Which of these three groups of people passed my name and address along to the US military, I wonder?

Who knows? But I do know something. Oh yes. I do. I know something. Someone did. Did you?

Oops, sorry about that. I lapsed into the style of a recent letter to me from the US Navy, and once your brain adjusts to the staccato rhythm of the language it's hard to break out of it into the flow of a slightly more normal voice.

Cmdr. Gregory Gjurich of 'Somewhere in the Atlantic' writes (the bold type is all his):

Dear Stuart C. Surname,

For some it's a decent enough living. Get up. Get coffee. Punch the gas. Punch the clock. Do it again tomorrow.

Ah I can see we're off on the wrong foot already, Greggykins. I'm a bit of a pacifist, see. I'm not big on punching anything. I like the coffee part.

There's got to be a better way. Right?

As a member of today's Navy, I speak from experience. There is a better way.

The Navy. Travel all over the world. Learn valuable skills. Get rewards for your hard work and dedication. And the chance to challenge yourself like never before.

..unless you've already been in the Navy, one assumes. But we're doing okay so far. The sentences vary in length. They're not too annoying.

<snip!>
(I hope you don't mind me skipping a bit here)

It's your call. Make it now. Ask questions. Get straight answers. There's no pressure or obligation. Just the chance for us to show you how the Navy can put your life on course. The Navy. It's the shortest distance between where you are and where you want to be. You in?

It's your life. Make the most of it.

Love*,

Greg

I think they're shooting themselves in the foot here.
Firstly, they're putting that whole 'It's your call. Make it now.' thing right at the start - before they've told you that the navy is the shortest distance to where you want to be!
What if you've already made the call when you find that out? What if, (like me) you made the call and you decided no, only find that out later in the paragraph?
Secondly I think a big chunk of the readership will feel excluded by this paragraph. Few people want to be in the Persian Gulf, and the letter rather cockily assumes that the reader wants to be there. Maybe Greg thinks the Persian Gulf is so cool, everyone will want to be there. That's not true, Greg. I'm sorry. Maybe some of your readers want to be in California, or The Bahamas. Or The Apple Store. Or at home watching television. Can the Navy take me home with a bottle of wine and order takeout Mexican?
On second thoughts, scratch that.

Where this letter really comes into its own is the postscript, which I present to you whole:

Because 'top secret' always looks good on your resume. The Navy gives you access to the most advanced technology in the world - nuclear ships and subs. Stealth power. Virtually undetectable. This is your domain. Master it. Call now. We'll tell you more.
Navy. Accelerate your life?.

It's probably my bumbling inefficient and undisciplined civilian mind, but if something was top secret, I wouldn't put it on my resume. Unless it's the sort of top secret that you can tell people exists, but not anything about?

Employment History:
October 2001- October 2008: TOP SECRET My duties in this role included organising OBJECT CENSORED, with responsibilities for making sure the CREATURE CENSORED didn't run out of cheese, and that the OBJECT CENSORED, OBJECT CENSORED and OBJECT CENSORED were ACTION CENSORED. I was VERB CENSORED in a MAGNITUDE CENSORED team in LOCATION CENSORED. Please hire me because one day I might get drunk and tell you all about it and you will feel cool.

What is stealth power? Is that like when you bypass your electricity meter to get it for free?
Has someone been watching Seinfeld? Master of your domain? What?
Things I learned from this letter: "Navy." is the only one-word sentence in the English language.
And correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that trademarked slogan rather remeniscent of the reason why a lot of people don't want to join the Navy?

Accelerate your life? - cross the finishing line before anyone else.