1. Do not be an imbecile.
2. If you are leaning against a pole, stopping others from holding on to it, you are an imbecile.
3. If you stand near the doors and refuse to move further into the carriage, meaning:
a) people getting on are forced into uncomfortable proximity to one another, and this is New York, have you seen other people, uncomfortable can be very uncomfortable
b) people cannot get on the train
c) someone has to break rule 5 to get you to move
...then you are an imbecile.
4. If you stand in the door with your back to the platform and do not move when people are getting on, forcing them into single file to get past you, you are an imbecile. If you are accompanied by someone on the other side of the door, and together you completely block the way, and you still do not move, other passengers are entitled to pull both of you out of the train and attempt to shove you down the gap between the train and the platform.
No one will see anyone do this to you, not even the guy watching the platform on CCTV.
5. Do not talk.
Exceptions: Conversations other passengers will find interesting e.g. arguments, confessions, embarrassing stories
Special Circumstances: Any conversation that includes the phrase:
"...and then she said..."
more than four times legally enables passengers to rush and lynch the conversationalists.
6. Don't make eye contact
Exceptions:
a) People you know
b) People you are having an argument with
c) People you are confessing to
d) People you are telling an embarrassing story to
e) Fellow passengers, while silently co-ordinating a lynching plan for people involved in conversations that have used, "...and then she said..." more than four times.
7. Beggars, musicians and those young men who do gymnastics and bounce off the roof of the carriage do not exist. They are a figment of your imagination.
8. The Train's Dispatcher is your nemesis.
All passengers must work together to overthrow The Train's Dispatcher.
Seemingly meaningless and painfully long stops mid-tunnel are openly declared to be work of The Train's Dispatcher, and even when the reason for stopping is given as 'a red signal ahead' or 'a train crossing in front of us', be certain, the hand of The Train's Dispatcher is behind it.
Feel free to add more.
do not read the NY Post article about commuting bedbugs before sitting on the wooden benches.
if you are a man, your junk does not require two seats.
I'd add "don't listen to your fucking ghetto blaster while drinking cider out of a flagon bottle".
And I'd say these rules apply to every rail transport system in the world.
you haven't been on the Tube much, lately, have you?
When someone sits down next to you, you are required to move your elbows in front of your torso. Just because you were there first does not entitle you to a seat and a half.